“Shame gets in the way of people getting on a path of recovery.” Chantel Chapman.
Sadly, we come by our money shame honestly.
We receive money shame from the social norms and expectations about how money should be handled.
We especially receive money shame if we are perceived as having less money and then seen as not behaving as we “should” with our money.
These norms and should’s come from traditional financial literacy education that assumes from the start that you have money. Based on this assumption, financial literacy education establishes norms for behaviour by which we are then judged.
Simple money rules?
Here are some “simple” money rules to live by, and my responses to them. (Source: Simple money rules to live by)
Budget your money
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- What money? Budgeting doesn’t solve the issue of not having money.
- Never mind that restriction leads to bingeing and like most diets, budgeting often fails to give us the lasting results we want. (read more about this very important take on budgets here)
- The very concept of budgeting assumes you have money to budget, and if you can’t meet or follow your budget, it’s your fault.
- It also assumes spending decisions are made logically by a person with will-power. This totally discounts the impact of scarcity and other emotional and social factors. Therefore, if you can’t follow your budget, then you are weak-willed or irresponsible with your money.
Have an emergency fund
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- How are you supposed to save when you’re not making enough to survive day-to-day because you’re un- or under-employed? This is a social issue, not an individual one.
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Eliminate high-interest debt
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- Many of have that debt because we’ve been using it to get from paycheque to paycheque in a world where we aren’t paid a living wage. So if we’re doing into debt just to cover basic expenses, tell me again how we’re supposed to eliminate it? Again, people having high-interest debt is a social problem, not a flaw in any individual. Many folks only have access to predatory lenders.
Put savings first
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- Yeah right… Tell me again: how do you do that when you can’t make ends meet to begin with?
Spend less than you make
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- Yeah, sure! When are you going to stop property speculation so there is access to affordable housing for all who need it? When are the big three Canadian grocery chains going to stop price-gouging? When are wages going to increase to keep up with the skyrocketing cost of living? How is it exactly that I’m supposed to spend less than I make, again?
Don’t rely on credit cards
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- If I’m not being paid a living wage, and the cost of living is going up and up, where is the money supposed to come from, if not credit?
Save for retirement
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- What retirement? I’ll be working until I drop dead. I entered the work force in the 1980s where there were no jobs, only contract work with no benefits or pensions. As a single mum, my full-time employment with pension and benefits has been sporadic. I have little savings and no pension.
- As far as saving for retirement or anything else, see my responses to #4 and #2.
If only it were that simple.
Often we don’t live up to these norms because we don’t have the money that the financial literacy assumptions hold that we should have.
A person’s financial situation isn’t taken into account by traditional financial literacy approaches.
When it comes to your business, there are many factors that play a role in your financial success. Cash flow is the number one stressor for many business owners. You can find yourself asset-rich, but cash poor. You may have many accounts receivable, but that’s not cash in the bank.
As a result, the limitations I list above are as true for we business owners as they are for employees.
Financial literacy doesn’t help money shame
Offering more and more financial literacy education actually makes the shame worse, not better.
This is all the more the case for business owners, who often deal with greater sums of money than do non-entrepreneurs.
The stakes for business owners are much higher, not only because of their concern for the survival of their business, but because of how many people their businesses support and impact.
Last, but not least, many business owners, especially values-driven ones, tie their sense of self worth very closely to their business success.
As a result, if their businesses go through hard times, or even fail, they experience shame, because their inner narrative is telling them they’re worthless.
The problem is not that we don’t know what to do–either as business owners or with our personal finances.
The problem is external and systemic pressures that exert shame on us in an effort to make us comply.
The ultimate outcome of money shame is that it keeps us isolated, disempowered and more likely to have debt.
Who benefits from that? (Hint: Among other things, the banks and other businesses that collect interest — in other words, that are profiting from loans — and the multi-billion dollar collections industry.)
Over my life I was directly money-shamed by my parents, mostly because either they had no point of reference for my economic context as different from theirs, or they didn’t understand I had a learning disability.
I have been shamed for
- not saving for a car: when I was making only $1200/month
- not having retirement savings: I’ve earned more or less $40,000/year after taxes for most of my life. I also have had two failed marriages. Anyone who has been through a divorce or separation knows how that wrecks your finances.
- not having a pension: I entered the job market in the 80s (when there were no jobs, only short-term contract work), not in 1954-ish when my parents did.
- budgeting poorly: It’s hard to “budget well” when you’re receiving social assistance of $900/month and rent is $400, or when your total monthly income doesn’t cover even basic expenses
- being unable to balance accounts: It’s almost impossible for me to get math right (even with a calculator) because I have dyscalculia.
And that’s in addition to the shame I felt as a result of all the failed attempts I had made to master my money.
I read finance books and made budgets.
I took financial literacy classes.
I bought budgeting software and money planners.
I ate from-scratch vegetarian and made my own clothes. (Literally.)
I consulted with (what I thought were) financial advisors. Little did I know that they were actually salespeople, selling insurance and RRSPs etc for a specific company.
This is one of the reasons that, when you can, it’s best to work with a fee-only planner (like Untangle Money, with whom I work now). It ensures that, among other things, the planner has the interests of the client and only the client at heart, whereas a salesperson represents the interests of the company for whom they sell.
It can also help significantly if the money professional you’re working with is trauma-informed, or better yet, a Trauma of Money alum, because they can understand and help you navigate the social and systemic issues affecting your relationship with money.
While big-name financial educators and influencers have helped a lot of people, if you’re feeling shame about your money situation, you might like to read personal financial books for real folks like us, such as like Finance for the People and Keep Finance Personal.(affiliate links)
How to heal money shame
Business owners or not, money shame affects us all. Caring for our shame is the same, no matter what.
In my work with clients in my capacity as a certified Trauma of Money facilitator and a certified Financial Social Worker, I teach and apply two principles: decrease shame and increase discernment. Both of these are from the Trauma of Money.
Decrease money shame
In the 12-step programs there is a saying, “We are only as sick as our secrets.” Shame thrives in the dark.
The opposite of shame is acceptance and belonging. Experiences of acceptance and belonging can help heal your shame.
In the Trauma of Money program, participants tackle money shame by sharing their money stories.
“We meet that shame with acceptance and compassion… when we’re hearing someone else share their shame to us, we respond and we say, ‘Despite that shame, I hear you. You’re still accepted. You’re still valuable.’” Chantel Chapman.
In my money shame healing journey, I have worked with a professional. It’s been very important and supportive.
I also share some of my deepest shame with a friend I made when we was taking the Trauma of Money program. She and I have been sharing voice notes daily—and sometimes many times daily—since 2021. We celebrate our wins because, since money talk is generally taboo, “bragging” can bring up shame. And of course we also share our struggles.
We especially share the money things we’ve said, done, thought, or experienced, about which we are feeling shame.
Sharing shame and having it be received by an accepting or loving other can model how you can be with the parts of you that are feeling shame.
I’ve experienced it for myself in both my trauma healing journey and my money healing journey, and have offered it to my clients as they have healed.
You can learn to extend this same kind of acceptance or love to yourself. (Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion and Tara Brach’s RAIN method are both excellent places to start, but the most effective way to learn this is to work 1:1 with a therapist.)
Once we meet our shame with compassion, our distress is reduced and we have more cognitive resources available to tackle our money challenges in our lives and businesses.
Four steps to care for money shame:
Money shame awareness
- Noticing shame sensations are present
- Describing them
- Acknowledging what’s happening: for example, “I’m noticing something in me is experiencing shame.”
Money shame discernment
- Asking yourself: Whose shame is this? (You can use the “simple” money rules, above, as a guide for checking if there are any “shoulds” at play.)
- Noticing there is a shaming part (a part that believes in the money-shame-causing rules of the dominant economic culture) and a part that is feeling shamed
Self-connection to care for the money shame
- Connect with your values
- Connect with the memories of those who share your values so you can get a physically-felt sense of them
- Use your values as prompts for caring phrases you can say to the part of you that’s feeling shame. Also, what would you say to a friend who is feeling shame around money? Maybe you can say those kinds of things to yourself.
Take further action to provide the part of you that feels money shame with the missing experiences of belonging and connection.
- Connect with a friend, supporter or professional helper
- Identify what actions you can take to address the situation that gave rise to the money shame experience.
Increase discernment about money shame
Noticing is a skill of discernment that’s important in recovery from money shame. Shame first and foremost is a very intense emotion, as are many of the emotions that come up around money.
Noticing and acknowledging that intense activation, and learning how to attend to it, helps develop the capacity to inquire more deeply, and use the emotions to create meaning that’s helpful in the recovery journey.
Once the intensity of the shame has decreased, we can then ask the classic Trauma of Money question: “Whose shame is this?”
Like the shame experienced by survivors of sexual assault and childhood sexual abuse, money shame doesn’t belong to the person feeling it.
Only one person is responsible for the sexual violence: the perpetrator.
For money trauma, generational, relational, social, and systemic trauma is responsible for the shame.
Getting clear on the sources and causes of shame depersonalizes it.
With discernment, you learn that most, if not all, of your struggles with money are not because of any individual fault but are due to a complex of interactions.
Then you can grieve your past experiences and write your future money story.
When you encounter any of these factors, you can recognize them for what they are, preventing them from contributing to a personalized shame identity.
Want support for healing your relationship with money? Book a free call with me here.